dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.
I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?
You would think that someone would have been sober enough to object to vodka bong races.
Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.
What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
So what's the moral standing on reading gay porn on your phone whilst sitting next to your 87 year old Grandma?
College: when you wake up drunk without pants and wearing a Cosby sweater
I'm usually good at keeping a straight face, but not while singing a ballad to a stranger in a bathroom.
The night is not complete until I am drnk and speaking to inanimate objects
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
They have beer where we have blood.
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
