Her life has all the ingredients for a how to book: Making Your Life an Epic Fail
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
Even my vagina gasped.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
She told me to pick her up in the corner of shame and self-disgust.
I puked up my nose. THAT kind of night
you just rode your bike home from a one night stand in a stolen skirt with no underwear and you're telling ME to reevaluate life choices?!
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
so in case you needed a ticket for the Hot Mess Express, I'm the conductor now.
Do you have feelings for this penis?
My Uber driver last night was driving a taxi and tried to charge me fare.
You didn't get in your Uber because your ex was driving, that was a legitimate taxi.
Just cuz u chase vodka with sweet tea doesn't make it sweet tea vodka
You ate all the burritos in sight....I cant take you to mexican restaurants anymore
We should form a club for all of us that have stabbed a sibling with a fork!
Randomize
