He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
Dude, you were so wasted she couldn't wait. She was grinding your face while you were passed out in the yard.
I vote for a trading skills night. You teach me to juggle, I'll teach you knife fighting, and we'll both learn banjo
Nothing ends a night of heavy drinking better than banging to three six mafia in your own driveway
Both of our knuckles were split open this morning when I came out of the blackout, the column on the porch has two new cracks in it, were like the redneck Super Smash Bros.
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
I was using my Beauty and the Beast blanket as a makeshift skirt because no pants
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
I may have just tried to argue quantum entanglement as the reason I was still in her bed.
I'm going to write a new song and call it "Did I wax my vagina for this?" remind me to never go across the country for a penis ever again.
Yeah plus that night got so disgusting it's basically a repressed memory anyway
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
