I think I found my soulmate. This guy in front of me is yelling about getting laid while holding two beers and texting. I think this is love.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
I wasn't sure how he was going to followup "so,i shot myself.." i guess "w a nail gun" is the best choice out of what I expected
we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.
I love that my idea of a romantic gesture to you is to send you a picture of my vomit saying "wish you were here". You voluntarily dated me. For six years ish.
Is this one of those "if you didnt give such good head we couldn't be friends" moments?
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
Excuse me, but I got friendzoned and all I could think about was the fact that I didn't have my underwear back on yet.
If you ever insult pizza rolls again, I will dragon kick you in the throat
you need a warning label. Just announcing that you are Scottish is seen more as a challenge. Those guys have no idea what they are getting into.
I smoked a joint in the bathtub at 8 am then went back to bed
Umm... When he walked in I shot him with my confetti gun... It's a wonder my booty calls even show up.
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