i fucked some guy last night. i called him nick jonas by mistake. i'm 24.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired
Who would have thought google would have HELPED me fail a test...not pass...thank you pacman, thank you google....
still wasted. at home depot . just threw up in one of the demo showers. not okay.
I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.
at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.
We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America
Fuck these runners passing me on campus as I'm waking to dinner. With my huggie. With flavored vodka and rum. Aka yum
Names, who you're caught in bed with, both minor details
Being drunk with magicians is fucking mind blowing. This Asian guy just made a platypus appear and disappear. This is not a drill.
He has a bathrroom scale in his room with an alarm attached to it so anything over 150 sets it off and in his drinking stupper he can make a run for it.
CUTE BOY IN THE OFFICE WALKED BY AS I WAS STARING IN HORROR AT HARRY POTTER THEMED SKELETON PORN
I just went to cvs and bought condoms, handcuffs and a coloring book
Why is this not the first time I’ve seen the mugshot of someone I’ve slept with
Randomize
