just caught my little brother jacking off the family pet
If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.
I love milkshakes.
Not the point.
So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.
You said your dick dragged you up the stairs
i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.
And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.
don't give me stepladders when i'm stoned.. i woke up to a slice of balogna nailed to the ceiling
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Idk what I'm more afraid of...checking my bank account or my STD results.
He literally said from now on he's always banging chicks with asthma becuas it's such an ego booster
I'm not sure. I have to find the Greeks I was with last night and see if they can explain to me why I can't hear out of my right ear and why I look like I got the shit kicked out of me
Randomize
