Sadly no. But I was pantsless when they came to get me. Which made me miss you...
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Fantastic. I'm pretty cold, tired, dirty, and hungry, but that comes with an adventurous weekend. Who needs a wallet or keys anyway? I could totally be homeless.
He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why
I got to see some gay bartender let a girl with daddy issues whip Travis in the balls with his own belt. Totally worth it.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
Apparently I pulled that girl's number while I was trying to insist my drivers license had enough money on it to cover the tab.
I AM EATING BACON AND CHEESE. FUCK THE BULLSHIT.
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Randomize
