i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
Are cops allowed to hit on you if they're in uniform?! Serious question.
YO I WASNT TRYING TO MAKE A PASS AT YOU.... Or Jesus
Bro I needs to be rescued in 30 mins...prfeebly someone died in a car accident needs to be the excuse
He fucked me so well and hard that the couch slid into the Christmas tree. I had to pull branches out of my hair.
In my defense I didn't know there was concrete on the other side of that fence when I tossed him over it.
You're both fucking idiots and this is why I should never let you two drink alone.
my grocery list today consisted of condoms. and butter.
umm... whats the butter for?
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
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