If a guy called my cleavage "mesmerizing" but is kinda related to me, does it still count?
woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."
woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.
She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
Her brother is definitely not gay. I hooked up with him when she was sleeping.
So I hear you're taking over showing your penis responsibilities now that I'm gone?
What drink are we having for lunch?
We were in the middle of fucking and she was just like "Do ya wanna play Harry Potter Scene It?" I musta been really bad lol Anyways, her tattoo healed nicely.
I'm staying at his house to solve the homeless situation. There's a freezer bag of weed in the fridge. He doesn't know it's there, and he's not missing it so I may have an income soon.
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I just know what's gonna happen. I mean. I shaved my legs up to shorts length. But I'm leaving the rest as a sort of makeshift caution tape.
The girls said some drunk guy in footie pajamas was asking for me when they opened the doors. I thought we agreed you were gonna stay home and microwave me some bacon.
Randomize
