I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.
Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.
She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.
she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper
is it possible i asked you to give me a preliminary pap smear?
I just laughed at the word pudding. I have no idea whats going on right now.
Literally too hungover to pull out of the driveway. Tried 3 times and failed. I'm going back to bed.
I shit myself when I came, don't have flu sex
well I've taken an Uber to my weed dealers twice in the past 2 weeks so it's going well since I sold my car
I never thought it would be so hard to find a power hour partner at 2 on a Wednesday
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
I don't know why I bit your face last night but I'm sorry .
Let's say we can see the evolution of our "relation" by his name in my phone. Pizza slice emoticone. Pizza guy. Jordan. Jo. Jackhammer Pizza Guy. Jockhammer pizza guy.
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Randomize
