I feel like I have streams of color and coldness wrapping around my body.
Were gonna hotbox in the trunk. I think there's room for another half of a person if you're interested
There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.
Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.
After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.
It is completely possible to eat beef jerky sexually.
Celebrating landing my dream job by watching zombie movies and drinking free booze in the bath. I'm like 90% sure I just won life.
Hey. My eyes swollen shut and I can't find my shoes. How was your night?
I try not to have friends with attractive fathers, it only brings my morals down.
I wish we could all take a bath together. Not in a lesbian way. But in a relaxing drunk in the tub sort of way.
How do I convince my friend not to get tattoo tributes to her cats?
WHO DOES THAT
I told her it'd send up tons of red flags and she responded by telling me they're her babies. And she's sober.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Sorry about my life...
If one more person says Merry Christmas to me I’m going to take a pen out of my pocketbook and stab them in the eye
Ya’ll! My debit card got switched with my boss’ at lunch today (both Red Wells Fargo)....I realized it at whole foods AFTER I ran it for $100 at Vanity Room getting my vaj waxed 🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️🤦🏻♀️. Most awkward IOU ever tomorrow.
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
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