just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."
i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
In hindsight buying the pill crusher with my vicodin prescription might have been too much.
Is it sad that i just saw my moms thumb on the table & i instinctively put mine down cuz i thought she was thumbmaster?
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I fucking love your mom. She's so drunk and fully functional. I aspire to be her one day.
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
So how do you explain to your boss that Siri called him mid sex?
Dude I woke up with a handprint shaped bruise on my ass, a pong ball in my cleavage, and somebody else's gold chain around my neck. Who's house am I in?
I came so hard my ears popped.
I woke up and there is a small Irish man playing call of duty in my room. Discuss.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Randomize
