i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon
been there done that
what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??
my neighbors garage sale is really cutting into the time of day when i can smoke weed on my deck.
I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.
cheese fries, coffee, with a side of dry heaving in the bathroom at the diner on campus at 5am. never felt better.
There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.
How does one hint at their mentee that they used to casually fuck his brother
Let's have sex in an apple orchard
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
My trash can accurately represents my weekend: Bojangles wrappers and magnums.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
Let's drink lean at the 5 seconds of summer concert. Give the teens a glimpse into their future as dysfunctional adults holding desperately onto their youth. You in?
This is the second time you've stolen a pet when you're drunk, given it back and cashed in on a reward...I think you have a problem
Gotta pay my student loans some way
things i am: 1) still drunk 2) still wearing my leopard onesie 3) still gonna make my 9am lecture despite the odds CAN I GET A HIGH FIVE
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