my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much
It'll hurt less than being alone
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
i'll prob lay in bed. its weird not having to track my wallet down, its become such a weekly habit. i suddenly have so much free time
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
If you value your immune system buddy, walk away from that one.
Passed out drunk in a tanning bed...
Did At The Beach call the fire department to get you like last time?
I woke up in a tow truck cuddling plan b. Can you pick me up?
He told me the hickey on the side if his neck was actually a "bruise" from hitting a bird on his motorcycle. I'm not sure what's more impressive, the fact people believed him due to the size of the mark or the fact you gave it to him.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
If ur gunna go fuck a guy that's in the baseball hall of fame do you need to shave your legs? I'm so lazy
We have such a parasitic relationship. But the kind where the parasite benefits from the relationship. Like the pilot fish and a shark. The fish gets the leftover food scraps from the shark and the shark gets a free bath from it.
that's so insightful.
Just let a guy I just met eat me out in a shed at a baby shower. May have sunk to a brand new low
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