I woke up naked, with 10 visible bite marks and a black eye. I'm just going to assume that it was a good night.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
You fell asleep leaning on my shoulder at the bar
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.
I can feel my pain tolerance has shot up right along with my libido
But in today's society it's frowned upon not to wear pants in public.
My ladyscape is the envy of many and the shangrila of few. I will display it proudly.
In two separate occurrences, I could have avoided getting my heart broken, and chlamydia, all with a left swipe.
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
Remember that Czech tennis player I brought home from beer pong and banged on your couch last year? He just booty calle me. From the Czech Republic.
he had to stop me from eating snow off the street on the way back to pick up our cars. that's how hungover i am.
You ever fart so hard it made you cum a little? A "friend of mine" wanted to know.
Randomize
