Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
they ran out of cups so I just drank out of a cowbell.
he wrote Vegans should suck on cow dick on her wall with permanent marker. thats how he got the black eye
He just made his dick say "woof" and howl at me. can you pick me up?
I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.
He said I did a backflip off the thing on the doorframe and busted my ass. I'd give anything to remember
Almost told my boss I was an expert aat swallowing when he questioned my ability to take excedrin,xanax, and a vitamin all at once. It was a medicinal gang bang lubricated by arizona tea.
Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
So did I or did I not flash an entire concert last night?
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
We turned a wake into a bar crawl.
Being a fine ass woman in a world full of fuckboys is the realest struggle I've ever known.
Did you really eat 10 ice cream cones today?
It was tough but I powered through it.
public service announcement: beginning at 10pm please text me at half hour intervals reminding me to keep my legs shut tonight. Note, this is not a drill.
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