It's true. Ladies love me because I'm so strong and they feel safe. Not because of my pseudo charm and their impaired judgement after several drinks...
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
Just drove past a church with a sign near it that said, "God wants to be your daddy."
the nurse was shocked when I handed her a cup of green piss. what did she expect giving me a drug test on st. patty's day?
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Slept with my first Irish dude before I even got off the plane. Dublin has no idea what I have in store for it.
Haha he's lucky I don't kick him back into the land of the majestic handjobs
He whispered "Are you feeling it now Mr. Krabs?" when he was inside me. That is NOT my fetish.
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
Well, I can now cross "dirty drunk homeless hobo" off of my bucket list of people who have been successful wingmen for me. North Carolina is getting weird.
My diet fell off the wagon when I began texting the pizza delivery guy my location on frat row.
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Dude my toilet did not deserve what I just did to it
OMG I DIDNT READ THAT TEXT CAREFULLY CAUSE I'M ON THE DEVILS LETTUCE & I THREATENED TO PUNCH A CHILD OMG I'M SO SORRY
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