So then I sent a pic msg of the Magnum XL box to her friend
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.
My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air
Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool
No
So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
Getting drunk at 9 am is not a super power.
Like you haven't hit rock bottom until you have had to throw your own turd out a window
I saw a penis covered in glitter tonight.
Did I tell you about my dream that I got handed a $100 and my vagina dissolved it? I think it wants me to not be a whore anymore.
I flushed a potato down the toilet so now we have to live in a hotel.
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