I just got sparklers from my secret santa. Drunken sledding just got to a whole new level of dangerous
I really wanna talk..
if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.
So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome
It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.
Oh you don't have to buy a shower curtain, I stole the one from her bathroom. It has dolphins on it.
obviously my window is still shattered. they're pressure washing my condo today. i think i need a bloody mary.
ive penciled you in for a day of excessive drinking
He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.
Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.
Her alarm in the morning was Best Day Ever from Spongebob. I'm have lots of conflicting feelings right now...
He said we were over, wrote my name on the condom he left in my car last night and said he'd always keep it in case I came back. It was kind of romantic
I'm trying to be celibate. I'm having me time. I'm eating cake.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Yeah we fucked. I ran into her the next day, I had to pick up the girl scout cookies I ordered from her boyfriends kids.
Randomize
