Question: why is there a dildo glued to my kitchen table?
i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened
What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"
Yeah, she tried to drown her but then they hooked up.
One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?
He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either
He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.
I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning
Omg I think I'm in the wrong class
I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..
Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.
I would lick a homeless mans crack teeth for a cup of coffee right now.
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
I remember saying to him "Fun fact! If you lie this way it's easier to deep throat!" I even judge me.
We bought only tequila and Twister. And you're STILL surprised you got pregnant?
Nothing like casual arson to brighten your day
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