Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?
So... Apparently, "Home" isn't the correct response when a cop asks for your address...
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
You don't put off sexcapades. Life lesson #1.
We got really stoned and then we fucked. Then he made me a panini.
Oooh, he sounds pretty classy
Actually, not at all. We were stoned so he made me a peanut butter panini. With a Rollo in the middle of it. And he left the panini press on all night. I could have died.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Worst drunk idea ever... Me "Cops are looking for two guys, one in a grey shirt one in a blue shirt" jelly "lets take out shirts off they'll never find us" of course I thought it was brilliant
You came down the stairs dressed as winnie the pooh and kicking cups off the table and out of people's hands
You declared your undying love to a drag queen, then proceeded to puke into the poor man's purse.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
It's a good thing vaginas don't have taste buds
One singular head for man, one giant climax for mankind
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
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