I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.
I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.
True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?
The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off
seriously, i never want to drink Robitussin again. her face was melting as i tried to convince her i wasnt high and i probably would have fucked ray. his parents thought i was a sweet charming lesbian.
This is why you are not allowed out in public.
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
its times like this i wish i didnt have a penis
When I woke up I was spooning with a block of cheese. Like, cuddling. Me and the cheese we nestling...
Actually new year, new me. I haven’t had sex yet so technically I’ve been a virgin all year.
The text I got from my boyfriend this morning: "babe, I'm not mad because I know you were drunk, but you kissed 3 guys last night and I wasn't one of them".
We got stoned and watched Disney movies all night. I think I'm in love.
Randomize
