I just had to have my mom look at my penis to figure out what it was. How do you think my day is going?
I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.
but it's kind of a high honor.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
I got a bikini wax for the first time today and I think I now understand feminism.
yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
I stopped in the middle of puking to wish you a happy birthday, so by default it means a lot.
Just bought a 17 year old 40's while wearing a poncho. This behavior is acceptable until I'm 25.
You fucked a stripper on your sisters friends blow up mattress. The least you could do is wash the sheets.
Here's the thing, you got road head in two different cars tonight. You feel lucky yet?
I'm starting a point system. For every 2 beer runs i do for u slackers i get a free bottle of Barefoot.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
he pushed me in the lake knowing full well I had joints on me. that's drug-abuse!!
Watching Faye Reagan porn all weekend for St Patty's day. Nothing has ever seemed more appropriate.
Like I wasn't going to make out with the hot Australian sitting next to me at the Portland blazer game?
Randomize
