When you're on the hood of a car, 10 mph feels pretty fucking fast.
Dude i just want you to know that when i found you half your mustache was already gone. I didn't do it.
Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3
You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
I would have gladly let him decapitate me with the way he was biting on my neck.
After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.
I just realized that every possible way I walk to campus I walk by the house of someone I slept with
Last night apparently I said "I need a break" and then I just passed the fuck out for 3 hours
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
A boy just offered to come over and help me clean my house. I hope you are more successful than he will be tonight.
He made me a flamingo drink and now I don't know why things are the way they are.
Reverse road head. Sa-witch!!!
Randomize
