i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
We video chatted for almost two hours. But I woke up with puke on my keyboard. The question of the day: were we still chatting when I vommed? No idea.
the 24 hour champagne diet aint going so well
didn't know how to tell his mom I was confused about how long we'd been together because we banged for a full year before making it official
Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.
All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I will kick you in all of your body parts. All at once.
I wanted sex but got Ace Ventura: Pet Detective, instead. Then I had to drive 30 minutes home wet. Worst booty call, ever.
If you wake up with half a an eyebrow.... I'm pretty sure it was a good time.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
Its that time in the evening when I've had a few cocktails and wish you'd make a video about the packers and Jack Daniels.
The hangover struggle is to real, just passed the drive thru window. Twice.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
Randomize
