I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Waking up in a pool chair wrapped in toilet paper is not what I planned when I agreed to movie night
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
It has been so long since I got any action that I have decided to change my vagina's name from "the chamber of judgement" to "the cave of forgotten dreams".
I woke up in a toga after going to a Hawaiian party. I don't even know.
My manager said you offered to make out with him to ensure I keep my job if I didn't show up to work today
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
I shoulda been born a dude. There's too much power in a vagina.
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
Foreign objects found in purse this morning include: chocolate covered pretzels, pepper spray, and farm animal shaped key chains (you know the ones you squeeze and fake poop comes out, yea those)
So what your saying is you dont remember trying to hit a golf ball off my chest with a 9 iron?
Randomize
