my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
We made a drinking game out of poaching eggs. When did our life turn into a really awesome version of Top Chef?
You know you're deprived when the only thing you taste while chewing gum is the 2 grams of sugar alcohol.
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?
I woke up naked in his kitchen...His name is Mike and we're having a "what happened last night" beer.
I promise it'll work. Just go there and keep the lights off and keep saying blaowww. She'll think your me.
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
Had a booty call cancel on me tonight. Said he hurt his back. So this is what single and 30-something is like. Suck.
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
You should really look at your snapstory. It has us screaming " MANSION DICK! SUCK IT! FUCK IT!" By the way im currently in a mansion and need you to pick me up
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I took it as a sign from the lord above that she wanted me to creep on these men.
I sent him nudes while he is at work because I am an evil human being.
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