Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...
There's a technique?! I just slide my tongue around
Her cooch smelled like a combination of bacon and sweat.
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I shaved last nite, you should see my cock it looks like a beautiful skyscraper
I'm so confused as to where the sexual euphemisms end and the drinking starts
I'll text you later. I think she thinks we're taking this whole "no sex" thing seriously.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
My passport was stamped in Canada two weeks ago. One step closer to uncovering wtf happened that night
we played his NES Classic. Turns out there is a warp zone to my vagina.
It was the scariest thing ever having a flame that close to my balls...
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