Currently having a discussion about how bad cheating is with the girl im dating and the girl im fucking. This might be a sign that i need to reassess my life
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.
Just heard my neighbor say "I'm just gonna lay down in a coma until someone comes into my room and hands me a beer." He's got his priorities straight
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
No, it's ok. He's Greek. To him I'm just a light drinker, not an alcoholic.
so you 69ed him in the parking lot of your apartment
yah I won't allow him in my apartment
I'm a dude in a dress, who came to a party with Holly GoLightly, got hit on by Bambi's mom, and wants to do terrible things to Link. Halloween is weird
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
I think I just shit out all my problems.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
So not only did I get laid today but I also left with a 42” tv lol
It's nice doing the walk of shame at 530 am, the birds are chirping, campus is empty, and it's dark so noone can see who the Fuck you are
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