Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
I wish university was like frosh week all the time and then they just give you a degree for surviving
What the hell man, you basically stole my girlfriend with a bucket of KFC.
they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste
she keeps a switchblade in her panty drawer... i am both terrified and slightly turned on
Hahahaha .. If it makes you feel better I had a sex dream about a cheeseburger last night so I feel like we both lose.
I don't think I'm gonna survive today. I don't remember how to walk. I must crawl 6 blocks to my bed.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
I’m going to Lewinsky this place
That makes no sense, but it sounds terrifying
Randomize
