I overheard a kid saying to his mom at Walmart: "Mommy.. should we buy cups for daddy's spit?"
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
So add panera bread to the places i love to eat that i am potentially banned from.
If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.
Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.
Imagine the time you most wanted to kill yourself. Now add a room full of jail bait and no booze. Multiply that by a million.
Dude. I legit missed class because I got too engrossed in the porn I was watching. Also I need to figure out how to get as flexible as these chicks. Some of the positions they do are outrageous.
I swear I can't go out anymore. It's like he put a GPS in my dick. I don't know if I should feel awkward or proud...
Apparently I send drunk snapchats a lot and they always have random dudes in them. Like one night it was just me and some guy I don't know sitting on my couch.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
I'm fine with our borderline lesbian behavior.
Jesus fuck that was emotional whiplash
I burned my tit while he banged me and it was still the best kitchen sex EVER!!!
I smell Vodka. It's me. If anyone asks it's totally hand sanitizer.
Randomize
