Whoa!!! Accidentally took a dump in chick's bathroom at Red Robin. 1 hr for coast to be clear. Women's farts sound like geese taking last breath. Liars.
Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR
Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.
i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.
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Time is so short and I miss you. (I just watched that commercial where the people all laugh and get older and die.)
Dude, double fisting packs of Ramen saved my life last night
i know i saw many looks of jealousy when i walked solo into subway carrying a cheesy gordida crunch after taco bell closing hours
I'm sure for most of the people, it was the one and only miracle they will see
Why did you fed-x me a peanut butter sandwich?
It seemed like the thing to do. There's popcorn on it too.
STOP smoking sooo much weed. Damn
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I got really worried when i woke up and there weren't any missed booty calls from him between 3 and 5 am. Apparently his gf is in town ...
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
Will you come get your son? He's using an old bike pump to help him fart the national anthem...
He just compared fucking my vagina to a snow flake falling on his forehead: gentle.... I'm not sure if that's a compliment or not.
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