One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
On the bright side I still get a $20 referral bonus at the plasma center even though he passed out during donation because he was so high.
maybe you should do the old hyperventilate, take a shot of vodka, sniff someone's hair trick
i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall
I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.
you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now
So we became Pizza Strippers- we stripped and asked for slices of pizza in return.
I definitely don't have enough experience with hookers to be in this group text anymore.
I'm sorry I tried to stab you. I just really wanted those mozerella sticks.
I'M OFFICIATING THIS WEDDING. HOLY SHIT.
I PUT IT IN THE UNIVERSE THAT I WANTED TO STAB HIM AND THEN SOMEONE DID! KARMA IS A BITCH AND SHE IS BEAUTIFUL!
It's going to turn into you and me throwing down in a devastating lip-synch battle while everyone else stands around awkwardly.
she broke the sink..i repeat the sink is off the wall. send help
Just had an emotional break through with the dog. That high.
Also, in case they didn’t tell you… there is a chicken living in your old room… so I would assume cleaning that is now on them
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