Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
I don't care how ugly she is, I can't turn down a free movie +bj. In this economy that's downright irresponsible
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
just reminessing about the wedding and were they seriously to tight to serve a meal oorrrrrr was it just another one of my black-out-by-dinner drunks
the fact that you actualy have a 'black-out-by-dinner drunk' is a bit deserving..
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
If you do that, i will make all sorts of uncomfortable comments about my nipples being soft
Should I take my grandma to a keg tomorrow or not? Serious question
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
If I take a couple more shots I won't even know he's a Mormon that drives a motorcycle
Randomize
