Right on... I dropped my chapstick
I blacked out
I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage
I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.
Just figured out I can wedge my iphone between my boobs so it stands up at a perfect handsfree reading angle. Clearly somebody up there wants me to smoke this bowl while I watch my bieber videos
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
stoners and superglue do NOT mix
I know that you sometimes make decisions based on comedic effect, but losing your virginity shouldn't be one of them.
I blame everything on you. My broken heart, my fucked up liver and my twisted mind.
She's gonna be mad if she finds out you put weed in her house warming cookies
I got up and left his place at 3am because I remembered I had a burrito in my car.
Randomize
