I'm like a rollypolly, I only open my legs up when I feel safe.
Mental picture: Us at a bar keeping it classy shot gunning PBR's in the corner.
That was a good example of when keeping it real goes right
i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me
I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
Come outside. The vendor wants to go out strong tonight! Russian hooker interviews. Don't ask. We leave in 3 minutes.
Tried to drunkenly hop a fence with my cast on to get away from the cops but ended up falling over a bench.. how do I explain those bruises to my parents?
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
bartering with my concussed boyfriend to eat food with blowjobs
UHG. i just want to have hot lesbian sex and eat pizza with you.
She's astronaut crazy. She will wear Depends and drive 12 hrs non-stop if you swipe right.
Challenge accepted
I responded with revoking his blow job privileges. Needless to say, he's learned his lesson.
I just talked with someone about real estate trends in Atlanta then got three blowjobs in a row. Boom.
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
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