Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..
dude so we were eating nacho cheese popcorn and chasing it with cole slaw
by the way nacho cheese popcorn is me making popcorn and then adding milk butter and mac n cheese mix
how drunk are you?
What does that even mean anymore?
everyday i am more and more thankful i can still check the no box for "have you ever been convicted of a felony?" on applications
Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you
I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.
Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.
Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.
My taste buds are fucked up, everything tastes like fire after last night.
Are we on the same shift tomorrow and more importantly do you want your pants back?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I mean, he drove your car and it burst into flames, if anyone cant be trusted, it's him.
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I don't know what else to tell you.. just listen to some taylor swift and you'll know what to do in the morning
Randomize
