I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
my dad brought home flowers.. so i started talking to them
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
The state of Wisconsin is just irresponsible for letting me buy this many fireworks
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Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.
I came home to him frying bacon to put in his beer. He said bacon beer lights, taste the awesomer rockies
then she lifted her dress, tweaked her own nipples, and then ordered another round for everyone. this place is wild at 9pm.
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Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
I'm hammerd and his penis is still the size of a giraffe's neck
I am 11 times too hungover to give the eulogy
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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