Let's make love on the newspapers that declare financial doomsday
we tried have sex after i gave him a handjob. he wouldnt get hard and kept saying his little boy is broken.. please come get me
I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
will i regret this in the morrning? probably. but every decision is good during happy hour
It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.
You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.
Looks like I won that one
I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
He said bring my breathalyzer and Anna's pepper spray, I didn't ask questions
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
my god I love twenty year old dicks
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
