if I could go back to kindergarten and not fuck up my life, I so would.
my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.
found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.
Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.
She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.
This is a rough morning for me
No, rough is puking in your froyo cup next to a five year old and her grandma.
ecstacy + fleshlight = not all that upset about being newly single anymore
I got drunken sympathy for the whales' plight last night and signed up to give $50 monthly to Greenpeace. Calling to cancel was worse than the hangover.
Hear that? That's the wail of a dying whale. Murderer.
I told him I liked how shrimp feels in my mouth, but I don't actually like eating it. Turned out to be the most awkward way to say that I wanted to suck his dick.
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
If my dick was big enough to fuck the eye of a hurricane, I would.
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