I'm watching Terminator eating a jar of marshmallow fluff. Trust me, you are not fat.
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha
I don't know what he did but now I'm terrified of mustache rides and it's only movember 3rd
The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend
I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.
I'm so sick
I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.
That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..
You say you're gonna take rehab seriously... but i keep imagining it as a training montage for you preparing to snort all of columbia.
That actually is really sweet of you
The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?
let's make a party pact right now just as precaution for this trip: ill make sure you don't piss yourself if you make sure I don't bang my cousins friends. deal?
It's 11:13am and my chem prof is drinking a beer in class. I guess finals week is stressful for them too
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
And as drunk as I was I was able to show my mom how to make text italicized in Microsoft word
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
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