Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
My piss changed color midstream. Think that means I have a 50/50 chance of passing the test?
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.
They were actually really boring considering how we met them.
howd you meet them?
They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.
Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.
I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.
If we can't get laid at a bar crawl, we should just quit life.
Unintentional and slightly frustrating adventures are basically all I'm good for. Expect heart palpitations, cheap food, and homeless men serenading us.
Beans, may the odds of a nip slip and drunken make out session be ever in your favor
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
& I just realized there is no vomit smiley. There needs to be a vomit smiley
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
quick, give me some iron man trivia, i'm going to make this girl regret quoting tony stark in her tinder bio
Woman doing my Brazilian right now says to tell you she says hi...what has our life come to?
Randomize
