you tried to scramble eggs in my dryer last night. i want you here in 15 minutes to clean this shit up
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
the ceiling is raining jello shotss
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I had something called a trashcan. Never again. I almost fucked chewbacca.
Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room
There's two sisters at this place and they look competitive. Try for a threesome tonight?
Come in your red robin gear. If you smell like French fries we can make love.
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
Something about Sunday night screams phone sex
i refuse to sex anyone who doesn't get my lord of the rings references. no exceptions.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
so on the street and some kid is chanting "cheeseburger, cheeseburger, cheeseburger!" while pumping his fist in the air. i agree.
Randomize
