you mean i was at the winter classic?
I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.
Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?
Both his mom and his sister were hitting on me when I stopped by today. He isn't a real friend anyway, right?
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I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
The problem with that is that my car has been stolen
I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
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You then played what you called "a smooth jazz rendition of talk dirty to me" all thrusting your crotch at the bartender. Mom looked horrified, but my dad couldn't stop laughing
I left after he drunkenly went into the kitchen and started to make eggs with a shitload of garlic. First time I'd ever had a makeout session interrupted by eggs.
It just so happens all of their names are Ryan, so I never have to change whose name I moan.
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
please don't ironically join a cult
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