Listen, I'm 30. If it doesnt involve a super soaker and some chicken wings, you can count me out.
Elton John & Lady Gaga just did a duet on the Grammies. How appropriate. He likes cock & she happens to have one.
I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.
You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.
Its okay I walked into your house, searched for my wallet in your purse, and took a shot of Tequilia all without eye contact, right?
ERIN AND I ARE GETTING MATCHING VIBRATORS. I'M PEER PRESSURING YOU INTO JOINING THE CLUB. Besides we're the three best friends that anyone could have, you better not ruin that by being a pussy and not treating your pussy to awesomeness. That is all.
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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