Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.
He was having an allergic reaction to that new brand of vodka Eric brought, so he just started chasing with benadryl.. Talk about commitment.
Trust me I was high for like 5 years...I got this
Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming
I actually had to tell him that sex doesn't replace my Tupperware. Our relationship has reached a weird level.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
I just did the walk of shame in monkey slippers in the snow
Teach me the song of your people
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
IDK MAYBE BC I WOKE UP IN AN AIRPORT WITH A ONE WAY TICKET TO LONDON
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
THEY'RE HAVING SEX ON A HORSE AND THE HORSE DOESN'T EVEN CARE.
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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