If you're going to watch porn, can you atleast be considerate and watch it on my old laptop and not the new one?
He is passed out on the kitchen floor. He will fight you if you disturb him. Just a warning.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
there is a hole burned clean through my text book on forestry law and I saw you walking around with a blowtorch last night. Hope you have $160 on ya...
Can we talk about how she only slept with you because you remind her of a member of a K-pop group?
Doing a small happy dance cause my cocaine successfully went through airport security
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Shut up. The only friend I need in life is Jim Beam because life is meaningless.
just found out that my aunt grows weed. today is a good day to be me.
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
I was afraid I was gonna get a URI, so I peed on his front porch.
Your mom asked you why you had bite marks all over your arms and you answered her by yelling "I HAD A SIESTA!"
Randomize
