are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
He just asked me to come into his empty apartment after he called his parents to make sure they wouldn't come home while I was there. This is starting to look like a bad rape scene from one of those made-for-TV Lifetime movies.
dude if i could bring that prime piece of meat home, id be the luckiest average-looking girl who ever lived
Also how the fuck did i get like 30 brown napkins
since i spend so many of my nights sleeping on the bathroom floor i think im going to remove all toiletries from under my sink and replace them with a pillow and blanket.
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again
Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.
Your godly.
Call 911 I'm faking my own death so this fat chick leaves my room
I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Remember the couple Steve and I heard and rated their sex based on the bed squeaks cuz we couldn't sleep through the noise? We got them back. They turned up the radio to drown us out.
You told the guy in Wawa you needed his hoagie for "a scavenger hunt" and then called him a "fuckstained Muggle" when he didn't give it to you. You are a delight.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
My shower turned into a bath, turned into me lying on the shower floor with the water running over me... That hung over..
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