So, I'm about to rent a movie, order pizza, and use my vibrator.... Am I dating myself?
i just farted in the library and heard some girl yell it was sulfur gas. can. not. move.
We just used hot candle wax from our joint lighting candle to make a bunch of new small ones how stoned are we
They just sang me a song about how small my dick is in front of the whole bar
lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
You force fed me pizza in bed last night. That was fun
so he had an ashton kutcher Kelso haircurt. dude, we're in our mid to late 20s, I don't think we can ridicule guys for having hair anymore.
I figure even if it starts out as just sex I can bang him into loving me
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
Ok sry I left that ambiguous......did you want contact solution or fellatio?
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
Dude. I just got a visual of u climbing over a bathroom stall to save my life.
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