I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.
I feel like a squirrel prepping for the winter on dollar beer nights.
the beer staff turned into a beer spear way to quickly
You weren't just peeing. You were like grinding on it. And you tried to pee in the washing machine first.
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
The last thing I remember was naked hot tub and taking a shot and using the hot tub water as a chaser. Not acceptable.
moms trying to set me up with a 28 year old. hes graduated university like im getting high in my bed and he's an adult
She tried doing a backflip and ended up doing somersaults down the entire stair case.
Don’t fucking talk to that dude from monday!! Ethical consumption dude, don’t fuck shitty guys
Was I just dreaming, or was there a corpse at work last night?
She was just sleeping.
Is it bad that I'm kind of disappointed by that?
It feels like heartburn in my lungs. I'll buy 2 pounds.
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