so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
It was at that moment that I realized I was alone. Alone and drunk on an Epcot ride.
I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish
Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again
Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"
If you think for one second that I would forget Mardi Gras, you clearly don't know how much I love boobs.
He keeps asking the karaoke guy to play let it go from frozen so he can sing it in a falsetto
I might attempt to pee into a cup while driving. I'll let you know how it goes.
I was going to say "wearing plaid doesn't make you gay, I wear plaid!" but then... heavy sigh
his first act of 2015 was getting stabbed
I spilled wine on my pillowcase and I figure it's basically my lifeblood so I'm just leaving it
The dick lei will go down in squad history
He sent me a meme at 3am. Usually guys just send me booty calls that late. I think I'm in love
Whoever jacked off in MY pong room on the bean bag with your fucking googles pick up your fucking cum towel you gross disgusting fucks. I said NO MORE jacking off in that room. I swear I will empty it out if this is going to continue.
And on the 323rd day without sex, God finally said let there be light...or love?
Randomize
