when i was 16 reading the aftercare instructions at the piercing place i wondered why they would ever think to warn me about getting semen in my bellybutton
then i met college
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
I doubt were getting our security deposit back... the toilet just fell off the wall
Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
I just want to see him this morning so I can bask in my wasted accomplishment.
So note to self oboe reeds soaked in Apple Rubinoff sound GREAT.
Done deal I'm dying it right at this moment. I'll need a red Speedo and a half shirt that is extremely tight. Like nipple tight.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Throwing up into Nora's potty chair while simultaneously having beer shits was truly the highlight of my Christmas season.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
I WAS SURROUNDED BY HAIRY BALLS ALL ALONE.
He's finally divorcing her, so naturally he tells me that we're not exclusive anymore. His penis 'wants what it wants' apparently.
Randomize
