I was curling my hair today and I looked at my curling iron and thought...
You at least unplugged it right?
i just watched my husband get a prostate exam. sex is ruined for me.
so when we got to the frat house he had a travel sized toothpaste and toothbrush for me and gave me a pair of his shorts and a girl's sorority t shirt...something tells me he's done this before
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
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I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick
she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.
He's. Duct. Taping. His. Phone. To. The. Wall.
Thanks to a poorly written tweet a whole bunch of people thought I died last night.
I feel like satan and death had a baby that took a shit that replaced my brain.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
He caught a Pokemon on my head while I sucked him off. I think I need to marry him.
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
The last time I saw you, you were giving the stripper a lap dance.
She dated an Australian guy or some dude with an accent. Normal guys don't stand a chance.
CHALLENGE ACCEPTED.
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