I have no memory of puking on someone. Was he cute?
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
this may be my drink champagne alone in a bbaby pool in the dark night
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
I think I sprained my soul last night
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
I received a text promising me sex if I drove to Memphis this weekend. Too bad for my penis that we're watching zombie movies and playing cards.
No gifts needed, but if you have fireworks or weed that'd be good.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
You told me I got kicked out of the bar for lipping off to the bouncers... what shocked me the most was that I made it to the bar
Just boned her on my desk. on top of my term paper. take that professor dipshit
Randomize
