It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.
Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.
His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.
i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome
Dude we got so high last night. I said "watch this" threw a goldfish cracker in the toilet, and laughed my ass off. We watched the dvd menu for 30 minutes too.
I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet
Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.
You told them to let you give him stitches claiming you were a certified nurse because you've taken plant biology classes
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.
Of the two of us, which one has licked a drag queen's tit in the past 5 days?
So I'm sitting here baked on a bridge thinking about how plants think, I miss you so much
He is so pussy whipped she has made him change his name to Toby
For future reference, don't put tape on your nipples. Ouch.
Everybody posting sickening holiday couple pics and I'm over here deepthroating a bottle of whiskey.
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
Randomize
