shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
I was on hold waiting for customer service at verizon so we obviously we had enough time to have sex, i just put the phone on speaker
I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."
Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?
Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.
He broke into my house just to tell me the door was locked.
Now I have the walk of shame to give the receptionist the bathroom key back, I've had it for 20 minutes. I should just smile and wink. She knows what went down.
You have set the bar insurmountably high with apple pie and buttsex.
I did cocaine off my boobs last night. Then I wrote two essays and went on a run. Go me
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Quote of the night award goes to my father "I like wearing my swim trunks around the house because they are cooler and more blousy for my balls". Yay dad
Gotta love college... Pregamed for my 8:30 flight home this morning and gave the flight attendants all high fives when I got on the plane. Best ride of my life.
I actually talked to his parents last night about it. haha. I had a bottle of smirnoff in my hand, I'm sure they took me serious.
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