my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
No I'm not proud of you for not sleeping with him. He has herpes. You don't get a gold star for behaving how you're expected to. Trust me. I'm a teacher.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
was his dick as big as our hopes and dreams?
This isnt meant to be as creepy as it sounds, but do you seriously want a lock of the hair I cut off?
Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?
I was masturbating in my bed this morning when my ipod alarm went off and it started playing "show me the meaning of being lonely"
She puked her nose ring out of her face.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
What? My family got wasted on patron and I threw up on my pants and said it was gravy. Hot mess.
Confirm that you received these messages so that I know you feel the agony of my vagina. There is such a thing as "too many penises".
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
I'm cuddly bitch. Deal with it.
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