Dude, I just rear-ended a cab
Are you drunk?
A little...yes
Run!
Terrible brother advice.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.
The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.
wow.
But it's a REALLY good back rub.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Dude sorry but it totally wasn't worth going back in there for yous shoes
I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?
I just need to stop hanging out with girls who drink wine coolers.
I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.
Cat or human?
Human
From what I heard you ordered him to lick your balls. Unless you've kept a huge secret I understand his confusion.
she was concerned about my dick piercings.
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Is there any chance of you maybe wanting a bouncy house at your wedding. Like maybe a .0001 chance. If so I would totally chip in for that.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Last night I ate a candle out of a strippers ass.... I guess it was an okay night.
Randomize
