If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
Let's perk you up. I have a good PG joke and a picture of my penis while urinating. You pick.
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
Is pulling weed out of a vagina a good thing or a bad thing?
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
My natural self cock block skills kicked in last night. I could've got on like 2 chicks but i ended up throwing up all over my van instead.
I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"
you are both the best and worst wingman ever.
i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls
You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
If you set your screensaver to be a slides show, make sure you remove dick pics first. This lesson 1 of living with your great aunt
That was awkward , having sex with her while her husband watched via Skype. I'm a porn star or a target. Idk
We're lying on the pavement outside of the college. No one has asked if we're okay. I think they all understand.
You're like a care bear with a big cock & a sexual prowess that would put the mighty Thor to shame.
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